Blatherings of a Fool

Its been a while and I feel the need to talk to someone without actually having to depend upon a person to listen….

Some days I wonder why I try, others I see the good that I do to enrich the lives of others. What about my life being enriched though? How do you pour months of your life into another person’s only for them to be blase about it? To lift them up onto the mountain top of life for you to only to fall down the cliffs when they make it there? Where is that hand to pull you up with them?

Don’t get me wrong I’ve learned a lot in the past few months. Some things I have learned before, but had to be re-taught for an apparent significant reason. Is it so hard to return a text or phone call, to just ask if a person is okay? But when you wear your heart on your sleeve for all the world to see you’re going to get hurt. That is a lesson in life that I will probably never fully learn completely, or one that I just have to keep learning repeatedly.

I have experienced things these past few months that I will never forget. I have seen true love. I have watched as life ebbed from a spirited being only to leave this world and transcend to another. I have protected my own no matter what danger lain in wait for me in the dark. I have proven myself braver than I ever thought I would be again. Learned a sense of self that towers over all that transcends time. I truly lived up to the saying “cowgirl up”.

What does it all mean though when it’s over? Who do you talk to that will understand? When your “person” is no longer around who do you turn to? When the one thing that brings you solace is unattainable how do you move on? When the joy in your life is no longer there, from whence you do find it again?

I once read that a broken heart is where beautiful things grow. Once a heart is broken enough though does it truly continue to create beautiful things?

Like I said I learned a lot but most importantly: Apparently kisses really aren’t contracts, words spoken in love don’t matter in the end, tears are for more than your pillow and cowgirls really do cry!

Day 3

I haven’t been eating a whole lot. The medicine the doctor put me on makes me not want to eat. I can barely even look at pinterest without feeling nauseous. 

Change of Life…Part 1

For those of you who don’t know me, I have battled weight issues my entire life. Since I first started my journey in weight loss I had lost 100lbs, but I have 20lbs that likes to sneak up on me now and again.

This is me from before I first started losing weight. I can’t believe I let myself get that big!!!

This is me at what I think is my thinnest. Still super fat!

This is me just a few weeks ago…once again the weight has gone up.

Well I’m tired of it. Its time for me to get off of my butt and do something about it. And that is what i’ve done! As of yesterday I talked with my primary care doctor about it, this morning I started a prescription he gave me to help me out. Today was our monthly grocery trip and I am so proud of myself. The only thing we got that I would consider junk food is some cajun trail mix and fig newtons. No sweets, no candy, no chips! I am changing my lifestyle!!!

I can already tell a difference with the medicine the doctor gave me, I have much more energy than i’ve had since before I had all of my surgeries this past winter (which didn’t help with packing on some pounds since I couldn’t do anything). Usually I have to nap after our monthly grocery trip, but today i’m good. I haven’t had as much to eat as I usually do either. I’ve just been kind of picking at stuff.

Day 1 and i’m so proud of myself! I promise to keep you all updated on how everything goes!

Tasty Tuesday! Chicken, Bacon and Asparagus Penne

Usually my friend Morgan and I get together to cook, hang out, eat and then head out for a night out on the town. Here lately though both of our schedules have been way to hectic to allow us to do so. (I miss you MO!!!!)

When I cook I generally don’t follow a recipe. Sometimes I’ll look at recipes for inspiration, but others just pop into my head. This is one of those recipes. 

Ingredients: 

3 Boneless Skinless Chicken Breast

1 bag of frozen Asparagus (or 2 cans)

16 oz Penne pasta ( you can use whatever you have on hand, Fusili would work great too)

1 cup Parmesan Cheese

1/4 cup Bacon Bites

11/2 cups shredded Mozarella

2 tbs minced garlic

Pepper

Italian Seasoning

Southwest Seasoning 

Butter

Olive Oil

Canola Spray

As far as the spices for the chicken goes, you can use whatever you like. I just so happen to like southwest and italian together. *shrugs*

 

1. Dice your chicken up into chunks and drop into skillet with a good turn of OO.

 

2. Add your spices and cook over medium heat until chicken is cooked through thoroughly.

3. Take your frozen asparagus and cut it lengthwise 2 times.

 

4. At this point add a little water to your chicken and throw in the asparagus to steam and your bacon to soften up and give it that great flavor. Turn the heat down to low.

 

Meanwhile, you should’ve put your water on to bowl for your pasta. When it comes to a boil add your pasta to the water. Stir, let it come back to a boil before you ever start the timer. Did you know if you put a wooden spoon over the lip of your pot it won’t boil over? 

 

While all that is going step out for a smoke, pour some wine, or put on a side dish. Preheat your oven as well!

4. When the pasta is done to ‘al dente’ drain it. Add half a stick of butter to your hot pasta and the parmesan cheese, stir until its mixed well.

5. Combine the pasta/cheese mixture with the chicken/bacon/asparagus mix. Toss lightly. Pour into a lightly greased pan.

6. Take 3/4 cup of Mozzerella and stir it in. Take the remaining Mozz and top the mix.

7. Pop it into the over for about 10 minutes or until the cheese is lightly golden brown.

 

 

As for my side dish I made summer vegetables. 

 

I put a little butter, some lemon juice, salt, pepper and let it steam while the penne was baking.

After your 10 minutes are up, its time to dig in!

 

Yes, that is a paper plate, but i’d already messed up a lot of dishes, don’t hate!

This was really yummy and light for a nice dinner.

 

 

 

 

 

Embrace life….

These words mean so much more to me now than they ever have before. This past Saturday I had the pleasure of teaming up with fellow thespians from around the area to pay tribute to a beautiful soul. I am very blessed to have been asked to be a part of the very first Keeghan’s Kause fundraiser event. Not only did I see lots of talent, but I got to sing onstage with the Tony Award winning Alice Ripley!!

If you had never met Keeghan, or his family, it didn’t matter. You could totally feel the love in the building that night. It was truly a community effort. I was able to sing and show love the best way I knew how. I am looking forward to future events like this.

Above is a picture of Keeghan, the Keeghan’s Kause logo, and a picture of Keeghan’s mom and sister with the Alice Ripley at the concert.

Life is too precious, so embrace it. If you or anybody you know has considered suicide as an option please seek out someone for help. You can visit http://www.keeghanskause.org also.

Here is a video that ran on the news about the show. You’ll see me briefly!

Keeghan’s Kause on CN2

Here comes Peter Cottontail…

So Easter is just around the corner, well its this weekend. Some of us have been preparing for this for weeks. I thought i’d share some family traditions with you guys.

Ever since I was a kid I can remember dyeing eggs. It has always been one of my favorite things to do, lets me show my artsy side.  I never understood those little sleeve things that you boil onto the eggs, that’s just weird to add another layer of something to it.

Of course you can’t forget the new outfit that you got for church. Then once you get to grandma’s the obligatory family picture. 

This one is circa late 80’s. I’m the cute one in the middle wearing the bonnet. (sorry its a little blurry)

My family would always make this HUGE meal that could feed everyone for at least a week. Until this day we still do that. I however loved having Yum Yum Pie for dessert. It has and always will be one of my favorites. I’ll post the recipe when I can find it in the mess that I call my recipe box. (Future post I believe, me being all crafty!)

After putting on comfy clothes we’d always do the egg hunt. By gosh we had to find every egg too. Do you know how horrible eggs smell when you find them later in the summer?!?! Trust me, not a smell you want to be familiar with.

I almost forgot Easter Baskets!!! I loved waking up to see what old long ears brought me. It usually meant I could have candy for breakfast that day. Mmmmmm candy breakfast! Now my mom does it for the grandkids. It isn’t like the bunny doesn’t visit them at home, but she likes to get them all hyped up on sugar and send them home with their mommies. (Something about karma or revenge, not really sure…lol)

When all was said and done we have always and will probably until we are all no longer on this earth have tons of leftovers. Who doesn’t like having egg salad coming out the wazoo? 

Of course the true reason for Easter has always been why we celebrate. Being thankful for a God who gave His only son for us and being the ultimate sacrifice.

So what do you guys do for Easter?

 

So….

I don’t know if anybody actually reads this thing, but what are some of the things that you guys would like to see on my blog? 

Et tu Brute?!?1

So I had one of the best times last night. I went to hang out with some friends at our favorite bar to sing some karaoke. I must admit i’m a karaoke geek and proud of it. I even carry around a little notebook to write songs down in when I think of them (I always blank when I get there).

So the crowd was small, but I didn’t mind. I swear I must’ve sang like 5 or 6 times, which is awesome to me. However, I have learned that Kelly Clarkson songs and my voice don’t mesh well. It was the second time I attempted one of her duets and I will never do so again.

Today was pretty awesome. I actually slept the whole night through and I didn’t have any whacko dreams like i’ve been having. The sun was out today, but the wind was chilly. You know what they say about March, “in like a lion, out like a lamb”. The wind has been brutal though.

Got a call on my way to work from my sister, Little Man (my nephew) was wanting Aunt T to come over so he could give me kisses. Makes my heart melt. While there I had to play the Bieber’s “Baby” for him so he could get a haircut. So hilarious! He was singing at the top of his lungs “baby, baby, baby *phew *phew”, kept getting hair in his mouth. Love that child to pieces!

Hit the grocery store and came home only to find the downer to my day. My other sister’s stepdaughter committed suicide. Talk about sucky. Like I just can’t imagine what my sister is going through. She just lost her hubbie and other stepdaughter last June. All I could think was “et tu?”. My sister doesn’t deserve that crap.

Anyway trying to keep things positive. Ready for some din din. Not sure whats on the menu tonight. 

Grief

So my bff really knows how to put my emotions into words. We haven’t talked in a while, but both of us are going through similar things. As far as i’m concerned, she took the words right out of my heart. These are the words I wish I could say, but can’t come to fruition.

 

It is very tempting to want to hate grief, to see it as the enemy, the unwelcome guest. God has taught me that instead you must open yourself to grief and ask it what it has to teach you. Ask it what it is training you to do, to be. Accept this uninvited teacher into your life and learn the strength it gives. Remember that grief never asks you to let go of love. Grief never asks you to forget. Grief helps you acknowledge the gapping, empty hole left in your soul; it helps you to see why life is so precious. 
We are not weak when we grieve, nor when we cry over the sorrow of our loss. Tears have a wisdom all their own. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out leaving the wound empty and hollow. Here lies the road to recovery, how we survive.

If we are fortunate, we are given a warning. If not, there is only the sudden horror, the wrench of being torn apart; of being reminded that nothing is permanent, not even the ones we love, the ones our lives revolve around.Life is a fragile affair. We are all dancing on the edge of a precipice, a dizzying cliff so high we can’t see the bottom.
One by one, we lose those we love most into the dark ravine.
So we must cherish them without reservation. Now. Today. This minute. We will lose them or they will lose us someday. This is certain. There is no time for bickering. And their loss will leave a great pit in our hearts; a pit we struggle to avoid during the day and fall into at night.
Some of us, unable to accept this loss, jump into that black pit, spiritually or physically; hoping to find them there. We fight as the pieces of our soul are ripped from us unwillingly and buried with our loved ones.
And some survive the shock, the denial, the horror, the bargaining, the barren and empty aching, the unanswered prayers, the sleepless nights when their breath is crushed under the weight of silence and all that it means.
Somehow, some survive all that and, like a flower opening after a storm, they slowly begin to remember the one they lost in a different way…
The laughter, the irrepressible spirit, the generous heart, the way their smile made them feel, the encouragement they gave even as their own dreams were dying.
And in time, they fill the pit with other memories the only memories that really matter. We learn not to fight as our soul is ripped apart and buried piece by piece with the ones we love. We learn to give it freely and fill each empty space with loving memories, filled with gratitude for having some small amount of time with that person.
We will still cry. We will always cry; but with loving reflection more than hopeless longing. And that is how we survive. That is how the story should end. That is how they would want it to be.
I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable.

Broken

 

 

Something has changed inside of me. Nothing feels the same. A part of me aches to be the person I once was, another wants to be someone totally different.

I don’t understand why life has to be this way. Its like i’m standing in a storm waiting for the clouds to part and the sun to come out, only to have it rain harder and drench my soul. At least in the rain people can’t see my tears.

Every time I cry I feel like I lose another part of me. Some parts are still waiting to be swept up and glued back together, while other are lost forever. 

Will I ever be able to smile again? To laugh without it hurting? To know that just because you love someone doesn’t mean they’ll stay? Will I ever know whats its like not to be broken?